DadinLimbo

14

2012-02-13T09:23:00.001-08:00

Sorry, this is a day late.

Boy3 You are 14 now.

Nope, not possible, you can't be, you are still a little kid aren't you?

Sigh, i guess not. you are a teenager, on the verge of becoming a young man, a damn fine one from the looks of it.

You have a big heart, a ready smile, a generally happy attitude, and the attention span of a mosquito. Just kidding!
You make me smile and laugh and push my buttons in a way no one else can. You love music and hockey and skyrim and who knows what else? You approach life with a seize the day attitude, actually more like a beat the day into submission one. There are no half way measures about you. You make friends easily and are pretty loyal to them. As you have matured you are slowly learning the fine art of compromise, and your ability to see both sides of an argument is developing.
You have a strong sense of social justice, and are happy that the charity group you belong to is doing some good.

You are becoming a fine young man, and you were already a pretty damn good teenager, your are still one, just with better colored hair*.

*(purple, by the way)

Taking the long way

2011-11-23T18:18:00.000-08:00

1) Be born early, on your brother's 3rd birthday, just because you wanted to be around for Christmas. Live in one city for 3 years, move to another just in time for your younger sister to be born.

2) Start 1st grade in one school, begin at another right after Christmas, meet the person who has been your closest friend for 37 years, settle i9n to the house where 47 years later your mother still lives. start playing hockey.

3) continue with school hockey and those type of activities until you are 13, join Air Cadets, and meet some of the people who to this day make the short list of friends that have remained. Start High school, struggle to fit in, meet the teacher who who help, listen and keep me going, even though some of us tormented the crap out him constantly.

3) In the last year of high school discover Punk music, adopt the punk style of dress, partially alienate your brother, pierce your ear, wear lots of black, graduate from High school, and realize you have no clue what to do next, decide to go back to high school for more credits.

4) Never finish that extra year, leave for basic training with 7 days left to the year, start a career that will take you away from home, move to Nova Scotia, reconnect with old friends , spend some time at sea, meet your future wife, move in with her, pack everything up and move with your now wife to Northern Alberta.

5) meet new friends, have first son 1 year after moving here, second son 19 months later, 3rd son 23 months after that. wait 10 months , have mild medical crisis with 3rd son, get through it, and then 7 months later pack up family and move to BC.

6) Get to BC fed up with career, request change, get change, 11 months after being in BC move to Ontario, begin training for new military occupation, family begins to settle into new home. Finish training, cracks begin to appear in marriage ignore, and hope for best, deploy overseas for 6 months, come back home, some things appear better, career progress nicely, accept posting to new location without consulting wife, cracks appear again.

7) Father passes away. Move to new city, tiny city , kids unhappy, wife very unhappy, F**k it nobody happy, wonder how to fix it, 1 year later, get removed from house, move into 6X8 foot room, realize that the end of marriage is nearing, try to stay in area, concession made prepare to move 4 hrs away.

8) Move away, realize marriage is truly over, miss kids terribly, lean on family for support, much chaos ensues, older brother steps in and helps, older sister helps, little sister helps, brother in law proves to be true friend, kids begin to adjust. Me not so much.

9) sign agreement, fell depressed, buy new car and begin to get better feeling about life, move on, start new life(somewhat), realize I could be all right. get out of debt. Begin over.

Any questions? If you get lost, ask I'll come find you

TAKING THE LONG WAY ROUND--THE DIXIE CHICKS

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel

I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow

By taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to

No I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now

But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
The long
The long way around

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

The First step

2011-10-26T03:55:00.001-07:00

Son1 took his first step on the road to adulthood yesterday, By getting his Learner's permit. He is now able to drive, with of course, me or his mom in the passenger seat.

This day has been coming for some time now, but I find I have mixed feelings about it.

On the one hand I am proud of him, I know he has wanted this for some time, and truth be told, I believe that he will be a good and safe driver, I have no worries about him being stupid or dangerous behind the wheel. He is somewhat cautious and I think his natural tendency to be safe will keep other desires in check. I also believe that he will not succumb to any peer pressure to be stupid when he has his full license.

On the other hand, part of me resists this, he is my son, the first born, and this milestone is one that begins his journey away from us, it seems too soon, in a year he will be in college, and beginning to navigate his life away from us, and making his own way into the world.
It's not that I'm overly worried about him, It's more like I don't like change.

He and I struggled to find a relationship in the aftermath of the separation, and it took time, but we are better now, as he has gotten older, and I have lightened up, we found the common ground that kept us going and the strain between us has lessened. He is a great kid, Scratch that, he is a wonderful young man, and I see the potential in him, untapped, waiting.

Drive safe Son, But always remember, to come home.

I Don't Think It is That Bad

2011-10-20T05:03:00.000-07:00

There are several things that I want to get off my back, and the next couple of posts are going to tackle them.

The first thing, is not necessarily a new thing but I have read and heard about it quite a lot lately so I figured I'd get my two cents in.

Helicopter parents, you know, the ones who won't leave their child alone to do anything for even a minute because well, you know, the world is just so dangerous.

These are the same ones who look at you as if you are the worst parent in the world if you don't subscribe to the same theories that they do, whatever.

People, crime rates are actually down, and unless your child has special needs, there is no reason to constantly hover around them. If you don't let them do things on their own, and occasionally fail, they are never going to learn how to figure things out by themselves.

I know of young men and women, who have joined the military and whose parents are still trying to fix whatever they can for them. Really? I would have been pretty angry with my mom if she had called one of my instructors to see if they would ease up on us so we could get better sleep. Which has happened to a friend of mine. No seriously, a parent called him up to complain that she did not believe that her son was getting enough sleep, because her son mentioned to her that they were so busy with homework, etc that they were not getting to bed before midnight most nights. To his credit my friend handled it gracefully, and refrained from pointing out the obvious, that her son was an adult, and had to learn to handle this on his own.

I have heard and read stories of parents calling universities to complain about their kids grades. I have a news flash for you, the only one responsible for the grade is your child, either they study, and get good grades or they don't and get what they get.

On another web forum I belong to one parent said that if she was at a playground, she would ask parents of older children to stop doing things in front of her children that they couldn't do. Meaning if her kids were not old or physically developed enough to do something she didn't want kids who could to do it out of a fear that her kids would attempt to emulate the older kids. Whatever, good thing that she was never around me at a park, I would have laughed, my youngest tried to emulate his older brothers all the time, I did not try to hold him back, because I think that trying to keep up with them gave him the motivation to try things at an earlier age.

I know some parents who are so scared of the effects of sun that their son is basically covered from head to toe in some kind of full body suit at the beach, might as well stay indoors. Even the experts are saying we need some sun on us for the vitamin D.

Another thing that is getting on my nerves is the commercials for those drinks to ensure your kids are getting enough vitamins, nutrition because they are picky eaters, really, I was a bit of a picky eater when I was a kid, there was no way my mom would have just given me those drinks, I'm not saying I was forced to eat everything, but I was told that I had to try some of everything. Stop catering to the demands of your kid, and do your job as a parent. Letting a miniature tyrant control you is setting a bad precedent.

On a related note, I am tired of hearing from some media outlets about how dangerous and bad teenagers are. I have 3 and they are not bad, neither are their friends, give it a rest already.

Next time, I'll lighten it up with some tales of the goofiest dogs in the world.

Sorry

2011-10-19T14:50:00.000-07:00

Well it has been a while now hasn't it?

Sorry to be away for so long, but I had a very busy and great summer(mostly).

The boys and I spent time camping, fishing, beaching(is that a word?, it is now) sailing and just generally hanging out.

This summer gave me the chance to reacquaint myself with old friends( HI DANA), meet new ones (HI CARMEN) and spend time with people who have known me my whole life, and who I love as much as my parents (SANDRA AND DAN< LOVE YOU BOTH).

The demons that have haunted me for the past 4 years are slowly receding, with the support of friends and family, the dawn is beginning to break, and my life is slowly becoming mine again.

Geez, that was sappy wasn't it on to more happy things.

Dana, it was so great to see you, and to feel as if the years have not passed at all, it was a pleasure to meet your wonderful daughter.

To my sons, thanks for a great summer, the fact that you willingly spent time with me , camping etc, means more to me than you know, you three are the light in my life , the pull that has kept me on the path.

To my siblings, thanks, I cannot believe sometimes, that every single time i have needed you, you have been there.

My brother in law , M, thank you, you are one of my best friends in the world, you have shared your love of sailing, and spread it to my boys as well, you have one of the most generous souls I know.

And finally to Boy1, as you are entering your last year of High School, Enjoy this year, you have grown so much, in some ways the boy is gone, the man in you shines through, and I have to say I like what I see. Stay true to your dreams and beliefs as you always have done, and I have no doubt that you will go far, and shine whatever you choose to do.

Stay tuned, and in the next few posts, I have plans to tackle helicopter parents, stupid reality TV, flying around this country, Newts on the patio, and my mom's dog.

No, not all at once.

Five Years

2011-07-05T07:46:00.000-07:00

Five years, really, has it been that long? Doesn't seem it.

In some ways it has a been a blink of an eye, In others, time has seemed to stretch out into the distance, not really passing.

Five years ago today, We lost you, after a long fight, just like that you were gone, I remember being in my kitchen when the phone rang, way too early in the day for good news and it wasn't, or it was, depending on your point of view.

You were at differing times, so many different things to me, father, confidant, friend, even adversary, at least on a few occasions. Like all relationships, it is hard to define the parameters of ours. As I grew older, the relationship changed, more trusting(on my part) more open. I began to see that in some ways, about somethings, you were right.

I remember the look on your face as you held your first grandchild, and then to see that look again with the others as they came into your world, you were so proud, and you loved them dearly. I remember also, when boy3 was going to need surgery, and how you helped me get through some of my fears, even though, I know that you were probably as scared as me.

I will always remember the smell of your cigars, even though, as a kid, I hated being in the car with you on long trips. The memory of you smashing your ball cap repeatedly on the boards when you coached hockey will always make me smile, even when I coached boy3 and found myself doing the same.

I see parts of you in M, and even more in his son, the same crooked smile, the same walk, certain mannerisms. Because of this you will live on, at least in some form.

You were one of our biggest supporters in our activities, you played taxi driver to me and my friends, and S and her friends from cadets for years. And when you passed, many of these same people gathered with us to say goodbye. Even some of the people you coached showed up to pay their respects, it was stirring to see the lives you touched.

When you passed, a void was created, I am not sure if I can fill it, but as time has passed, the memories of you are flooding that space, and making it a little less with each passing year.

I hope you can see us from where you are, and that you can watch as your grandchildren thrive and flourish.

Miss you Dad

Father's Day

2011-06-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

For the last few years, Father's Day has been kind of bittersweet. While I generally try to be positive about it, it hasn't always been easy.

First, nearly 5 years ago, we(being my brother and sisters) lost our Dad. After a long back and forth struggle with cancer. I do take comfort in the fact that he saw all six of his grandchildren into the world, and that his pride and love for them still fills me with comfort to this day. But on this day, marked for Father's, the loss of him is a void in me that cannot ever be filled.

Second, I am not an everyday presence in my Kid's life, as much as I want to be, it just wont be, and while I can (almost) live with this, there is a longing to be there that feels as though a part of me is gone, never again to be complete.

But, then I am with them, and the hurt is gone, and I can smile and laugh, and grin at them, these boys, two on the verge of becoming men, one just coming into the world of being a teenager, and I am amazed. When did this happen? Where did they come from, When their Mother and I separated they seemed so much younger, now, 4 years have passed, and in a blink on an eye they have been replaced by these competent, and highly intelligent beings. Way too cool.

What happens when you take four males, various camping items, uncooperative weather, wet firewood, an older tent, and the possibility of thunderstorms?

You get enough memories to make you smile for a long time.

You see, we tried to go camping, the day started out fine, overcast but not raining(yet), so we headed out, wary, but determined. we purchased extra necessary gear and items (food, and stuff to make the fire change colour, really that apparently is a "necessary" item, and headed out.

We set up camp, hmm, tent is missing a pole, no biggie, we will tie it up, hmm, hole in the floor, no biggie, we will fold it around the pegs, hmmm, not enough pegs, ah well, buy overpriced pegs at camp store, hmmmm, still raining, OK road trip for ice cream, hmmmm, back to camp, and cook dinner, hmmmm, Boy2 is trying to start fire, 4 attempts, and much paper later, fire has been started, put out, rebuilt, etc, only paper seems to burn, head to other store for dry kindling, get phone call from anxious mother, thunderstorms in area, are you gonna stay? hmmm ask boys, mutual agreement that 6.5 hrs in rain is enough, camp site packed, all agree tent shall be relegated, to garbage bin, new tent to be purchased, return to mother's, plans made for Father's Day, quick trip to McD's. Plans to start other plans in the morning.

Father's Day was good, went to some of our favourite stores, had lunch, picked up boy2's friend(not girlfriend,says he) returned home, boy3 and i go fishing much fun had catching and releasing perch, return to house and I go on my merry way back to my home. All in all a good weekend.

In closing, though my beloved Bruins won the Stanley Cup, I was dismayed to see what a relative few individuals chose to do afterwards in Vancouver. IDIOTS. To the VPD well done, I believe you did a great job in handling the situation.

And finally, Happy Father's Day to all dads out there, To my other friends whose dads are gone, I hope your day went well, and to those like me, I hope you got to spend the day with your kids. And to all soldiers , airmen and sailors from whatever country, who are deployed away from your families, I hope there were messages and cards, and maybe phone calls from your kids. And stay safe, cause everyone wants you to return home to them.

And to my Boys, remember, I am a Father because of you, Thanks!

Here goes

2011-06-07T15:41:00.000-07:00

well. I have had this post in my head for some time now.
I didn't think I should put it out there as it is more personal than anything else I have said.

But Hey, I really do not have enough readers to worry about, at least, from checking my sitemeter, and the total lack of comments it would appear that way.

Sons, I MISS YOU EVERY DAY.
Not a day has gone by in the last 2 years that I have not thought of the 3 of you. simply put, you are my reasons for living, for going on, for pushing through, when I feel that every ounce of my strength is gone.

You 3 are the greatest gift I have ever been given, the fact that I am your father, both amazes me and freaks me out.

YOU GUYS ROCK, smart, creative, funny, charming, handsome, witty. You guys are all that and more.
I know that sometimes I seem to have no patience , it is not because, I don't want to be with you, it is because, i dread the inevitable point of leaving you, again.

You see, a part of me dies each time, and some times it hurts inside me, like me heart is being torn out, there have been 4 hour drives back to where I live, that are mostly tears, anguish and sorrow,, guilt, plays a huge part in there too, don't kid yourself, nobody beats me up like I beat me up.

basically it comes down to this:

you make me a better man

CRAP

2011-06-03T10:30:00.000-07:00

Well, not real crap, more like existential crap, or rather life crap.
I just (more or less) paid the bills, and realized how little I have left in the account for the next 2 weeks. Not.Much.at all. Especially when I have to pay for the room I use when I visit the boys, and the $100 it costs me in gas each time(not to mention that the price of gas keeps going up), and meals etc for them when I am with them.

To add to this, I still cannot find the replacement mirror I need for my car, which is again making funny noises, so maybe I can't go up there anyway. Which will destroy me, those weekends literally are my saving grace.

I wish for once for something concerning my car or my finances to go my way, Just once.
I have even figured out that even with the car soon to be paid off, I can't afford to replace it, unless the dealership will take a kidney.

But others keep reminding me of back money I still need to pay them, even after me explaining the financial picture to them. Yet they have all sorts of expensive toys, and trips, and shit that I will probably never have, but I get guilt trips laid on me if I buy a coffee, or some other small treat for myself. I don't even have my own computer, I use the libraries, because they are free.

Just hoping for a break here.

Weekends, Floods, fish, foolishness,finality

2011-05-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

Well that should generate some bizarre hits.

To recap the weekend.

Boy2 had a friend over Friday, and being the nice guy that I am, I agreed to drive said friend home, out in the country, to a place I am not that familiar with. Address inputted into GPS , away we go. Choosing, en route to ignore the sign that said "water on road use caution". Fools. Got 1km up the road, and had to turn around and try to make it back to drier land, car almost stalled out 3 times, visions of pushing in knee deep water not good. cursing under breath, not trusting GPS device, swear it hates me, water coming into car thru door sills, made it to dry land, let car idle for 5 minutes to dry out, steam coming out of vents, how wet did this thing get anyway?
Finally get friend home via long DRY way. Get back to room, in time too see my beloved bruins make it into Stanley Cup Final, much happiness abounds.

Saturday, wake up, joy raining.....again pick up boy3 find new fishing spot, no luck but agree may be best spot yet as actual fish were biting, notice half gnawed oak tree, worry about crazed, angry beaver attacking. HMMMMM need more coffee. Pick up older 2 go to mall, Boy2 says friend has sent him text wanting to know when we can drive thru flood covered roads again. Much fun says friend, much looniness think I. PM take boys to subway for dinner, much anger directed to incompetent staff, drive to movies, watch hangover 2, realize 3/4 thru movie that this may not be age appropriate due to things in Thailand, worry about explanation may have to give to 13 year old boy3, not to worry, says he, I got it covered. WTF think I, I did not have understanding of such things at his age, must ask ex-wife if she checks Internet browsing history. He must be getting this info somewhere.

Sunday, sun is out boy1 and boy3 request fishing expedition, agree to said trip, much enjoyment several aquatic creatures captured, photographed and released, (always have thought that catch and release fishing, must be like the rapture for them)(the fish that is not the boys).

More time spent with all three before dreaded drive back home, always hate that part.

Finality... maybe some closure for some, with the capture of Ratko Mladic, one of the worst (alleged, for now) war criminals of the past century will be brought to answer for his crimes. Maybe some poor people out there can finally close the door on a chapter of their lives.

Driving with doofuses

2011-04-18T16:13:00.000-07:00

Is that even a word?

Yeah, yeah, I know it has been a while but I have been busy.

A short little story, this past Saturday, my younger 2 boys and I went on a short road trip, And I figured out a couple of things.

1. No matter what the volume is set to on the car sound system ( ha, a laugh, i mean cheesy factory cd player) Son2 will crank it louder almost for every song that he likes. I was not allowed to touch the volume, nor alter it from my Dad's choice of music, (country) and we had an 8-track player, (remember those?) complete with the matchbook jammed under the corner to make it work. Plus, the lyrics that are in the songs are not things I would have played around my parents either.

2. Teenage boys never stop eating, even on short car trips, there must be food.

plus, the floor of my car apparently is an appropriate place for trash.

3. Teenage boys can convince their middle-aged father to do things against his common sense, case in point, willingly jump off a 5 metre diving platform, even though the aforementioned middle aged father is scared of heights. ( I will admit that fear aside, it was kind of fun)

4. Son2 while travelling in a car needs to be occupied, or else strange things can happen.

My right hand now has no hair on the back of it, thanks to the boy and a roll of duct tape. Much to his hilarity, my physical pain was his amusement, plus the loss of hair was amusing to him as well.

maybe i should get a cop car that i can trap them in the back of when I travel with them.

For the boys

2011-03-17T18:36:00.000-07:00

I have been lucky enough to spend adecent amount of time with my sons lately.

It is a good feeling to see them having emerged from the train wreck that was the end of their mother and I's relationship relatively unscathed.

To see the smiles and laughter return. to have my taller than me middle son freely hug me, and tell me " love you too, Dad" when i say it to him at the end of a phone conversation. To have the oldest actually say it to me once when i said it to him ( emotion scares him, sometimes he doesn't get it, think Sheldon Cooper) to have my youngest actually engage in real conversations with me, in the car on our way to hockey, and to be able to be there to see him score his 1st goal of the season (WE HAVE THE PUCK!). well shit, those feelings of happiness and joy at all of the things over the last couple of weeks, I feel like spring has come in more ways than one.

Boys, you guys rock, seriously, the three of you are better for me than any thing else I have tried, I'm just pissed that I wasted so much time figuring that out. massive Fail on my part.

well I get it now.
Can't wait to see you this weekend.

Eat, eat , eat and a contest.

2011-02-04T09:43:00.000-08:00

The older 2 are here for the week and It has just dawned on me, that either one of them probably consumes more calories in a day than I do in 3.

Now don't get me wrong. I remember being a teen, and I ate a ton, but, in my defense, I was always moving, to hockey, cadets, outside, whatever, we walked everywhere, and those calories were earned, burnt off, and the cycle repeated.

These 2 barely seem to move, from their perches on my couches, moving only for washroom breaks, to retrieve a power cord for some electronic device, or to head for the kitchen (again).

When we have gone out (to the Mall!,,, where i let them go on their own, cause walking around with your dad when you are a teenager is just .....so uncool, they seem to have a gravitational pull to the food court, as if ten minutes without eating or drinking could seriously harm them.

If they could figure it out, I am sure they would eat in their sleep.

It amazes and disturbs me at the same time.

And since checking my stats, I have now noticed that some people appear to be reading me on a regular basis, leave me a comment by next Wednesday, and I will do a random draw, the lucky winner will receive one of my photos, that have been published.

Oh Snap

2011-01-27T16:10:00.000-08:00

I just noticed I have my first follower, Ever.

I wish I could give them a prize, maybe I will.

1st post for the new year

2011-01-27T15:39:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm, I guess it has been awhile.

Christmas was better than could be expected, had the boys longer than I had expected, and in the end we did the gift exchange with my brother's kids. Christmas night went way better than expected, my boys outshone themselves, were well behaved, and showed awesome patience with their younger cousins.

things are progressing, and as my former life switches to the new life, a lot of things have run through my mind.
I have been asked if I have any regrets, well yes, yes I do, but they are small, I regret not trying maybe that little bit harder, but then, I see the boys, and how they have, grown, adjusted moved on, and maybe, just maybe are happier now than they have been in awhile, and that one fades.

I do not regret my time with their mom, how could I? Together, we produced 3 very awesome young men, who light up my world every time they enter it, that alone is worth the heartache I have suffered.

My life is changing, for the better, as I slowly make my way to the light, I am still amazed at my family and their support, every single time I have needed them they have risen to catch me.
My brother, my sisters, my mom all have kept me sane.

My brother in law M, well what can I say? I have known him for 20 years, and I consider him one of my best friends in the world, he and I have always had the best conversations about well, everything, he makes me laugh, and he taught me to sail.

My somewhat health scare is over. back in November, i found out that i have a growth in my head, (Son2, has named him Larry), well I don't need surgery, instead i get to take medication to shrink his ass for the next while( think of it as diet pills, Larry!).

And if enough people comment I will post pictures of the Boys ( a one time deal) so If I do have any readers, you can picture who I am talking about.

Plus my only resolution is to make this a bit funnier, and possibly pull out some stories from my past. Next time I promise to tell you about me, John, Glen, and a can of paint, and what can happen when adolescent boys fail to use common sense.

Tis the Season..........Kind of.

2010-12-16T08:07:00.000-08:00

Psst, come here, I want to tell you a secret.

I hate this time of year, truly and honestly, for the last 3 years it has slowly gotten worse. This year my feelings about it may have hit an all time low.

I have a list, if you care to read it.

1. Christmas music, novelty Christmas songs should be banned, they were funny once, now not so much. And as for some of the traditional songs well they suck too. for example "I'll be home for Christmas", well, no I won't be I'll be at Mom's, and while it is "home" in a sense, it is not my home really, I rent the place I live in so, I won't be there either. Christmas morning, there will not be that moment when my kids wake me up to see what "Santa" has brought them, they will be doing that with their mother. With luck and planning, I'll get to see them later in the day. Just like last year, So I'm planning on getting up about 1/2 an hour before I go get them.

2. Gift giving, if it is like last year will cause heartache for the weasels of death. Just before the holiday, my brother decided that "to save you money" our kids were not going to exchange gifts, that in itself would have been alright if we were not all together at Mom's for the gift exchange, and my kids and his did not exchange anything, The boys felt like crap about this, and let me know in no uncertain terms how they felt. If recent conversation with my brother is any indication, the same thing may happen this year.

3. The total lack of planning by anyone in my family, right now, the boy's mom and I are still ironing out the details of the holidays, as youngest has a hockey tournament right in the middle of Christmas break. I have no idea right now when I am getting them, and If I get them on Christmas day, then I have to let my brother know as soon as possible as he and his wife always have the family for dinner on Christmas day. My sons have never been there for this, and it involves a large gathering of family, and some of them have not met my kids and I don't want any pressure on my boys to have to behave to other people's impossible standards. Plus, if my brother does not want gifts exchanged between our kids, but everyone else is doing it, it will create a whole new level of awkward for my sons.

4. Feeling like i have to put on some fake, cheery personality so that I "don't ruin anyone Else's day" F***k that, what about my day? It would be nice if one time some one said "This day must be hard for you" Yeah, it is, between my desire to have the boys on Christmas morning, to wanting to get them what they want, without having to worry about money, to feeling as though I somehow failed them, to hoping that people will not push subjects on them that they do not want to discuss, and have made clear that they don't, to wanting everyone to just get along, I have enough to deal with without worrying about how I am feeling could ruin someone Else's Christmas. How about everyone else doing things to make me feel better?

5. Pressure about Church on Christmas Eve. I do not like going at the best of times, Christmas Eve service is the worst, there are too many people, no parking, people who do not seem to understand that there is a service earlier in the evening for those with younger kids ( the service ends at midnight, kids who are not in double digits should be at home, in bed, visions of sugar plums etc.)
I hate going, and when it is over, I want to leave, I do not want to have a conversation with people I only see once a year, I just want to go to bed.

6. People, everywhere, the mall, the roads, just everywhere. I get it , you need to shop, but for the love of everything, try to have some manners, just because you failed to plan crap out and waited for the last minute to do something, does not mean I have to suffer. Nor should the people who work in the stores. Here is a hint, the girl working the cash has absolutely no control over the inventory of the store, chances are there are no more in the back, if they are out, they are out, asking for a manager will not change that, freaking out won't either, I have seen some pretty bad behavior on the part of some people who are supposed to be adults, grow up, and on that note, the same with the gaggles of teens in the malls and stores, I get it your friend sent you a text, and OMG, you have to respond right away, in the mall walking and texting is like driving and texting, you cannot do both and see where you are going, bumping(or crashing) into me and glaring at me, just gets you the stink eye. I have better things to do than watch out for your sorry ass. And, there are lines everywhere, especially in the food court, if you are in line for 5-10 minutes before you order, this would be a good time to make up your mind, if you can't then you fail at life.

7. The endless loop of charity commercial for those organisations that send relief overseas, I get it, believe me, I have been to a few of those places, but there is a great deal of people right here, in this country that need our help too, why not clean up our own yard first.

Bah Humbug!

Crap Crap crappity crap

2010-11-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

You know how people say things happen in threes (mostly bad)?

Well I know the feeling after this week.

a few bullet points

1) I had an MRI on my head last week, turns out there is a 1.8cm growth in there, lucky me!
2) car faile the MVI (motor vehicle inspection, required every 2 years) going to take a whole ton of money to fix, money I just don't have a way of producing.
3) I am alone again won't go into details here, just to say I. AM. CRUSHED.

So what the hell, Universe? Why is it that just when I feel like I am doing ok the fates have to conspire against me?

I had plans for this winter, to hopefully avoid the depressive state that last winter put me into. I was going to play hockey for the first time in years, well that is a no go, no money for equipment, plus it now costs to play, something new I guess, so that option is out.

As for the POS car, it is not really worth the monry to fix it, but since I consolodated some debt, to lower interest charges, and reduce monthly payments, I owe too much to get rid of the damn thing, so I am stuck with it.

The house that the EX and I share is not selling, so until it does, my monthly load keeps growing.

The weight of all of this is like a beast on my chest, taunting me. Just the way sleep does right now, it is there I can feel it but it remains elusive like sand through my fingers, easy to touch, but hard to grasp and hold on to.

Christmas is fast approaching, and I have little to no funds for gifts, right now I don't even feel like celebrating. I am alone 90% of the nights at home, I asked if I could get a pet but was met with a resounding no. Not even a cat. yippee.

Part of me wants to stay in bed for the rest of my life, it would be easier.

Gotta go now, and try to find a) extra cash or b) a way to dump the 7 year old 200000+ km car for something newer.

Wish me luck.

Sisters

2010-09-17T07:36:00.000-07:00

Now I can't shut up 3 posts in a day!

I have 2 sisters D who is older, and S who is younger (40 on Monday!)

D you are one of the nicest and caring people I know, throughout the last 3 years of crap that my life has become, you have been there for me. Every time, no question, you have given me a place to lean on and go to for support, you, and M and N have been awesome to me, putting up with my moodiness and self-pitying to the point I would have thought you were sick of me by now.

You have responded when I have needed you to, and gone above and beyond at times. When everything crashed around me a few months back you came, took son3 for the weekend and helped with things that I would not have expected anyone to do. You take the family thing seriously and have been so supportive to me that I don't think I can ever thank you enough.

You are a great mom, and that can be seen in N, your son,who is one of the best people I know.
You were my friend when we were younger, and are still one of my best friends now.

I thank you for your support, your friendship and your help through everything, you are one of the best.

S, you are my younger sister, my friend and my sounding board, no matter how crappy I feel about my life, you have always managed to get me to see the silver lining. At times, you have been my saviour although, I don't think I ever told you how much this has meant to me.

You and I have shared friends that we both cherish, and you helped to steer me back to them when I needed to find myself again. Once more, I can never repay the debt I feel I owe you.

To both of you Thanks, and I love you.

brothers

2010-09-17T04:27:00.000-07:00

Well 2 posts in one day, after my unplanned hiatus of more than 2 months.

The summer was good, time spent with family and friends. and the boys all seems to be going well.

I have to say something now because I have tried to do this face to face, but it never comes out the way i want it to, so maybe this way will work.

M
You are my brother, and by some twist of fate, 3 years to the date, I arrived on your 3rd birthday, kind of like a delayed twin. sort of.

I looked up to you when we were kids, still do. When we were kids, I was awed by your seemingly easy ability to make friends, and keep them, me not so much, I have a few from my childhood that I still am in contact with, but you have kept some of yours longer.
You have always been the one in charge, the one who appears larger than life at times, both intimidating and welcoming at the same time.

In my early teens, I used to love going with you and dad to watch your hockey games, you were an inspired goaltender fun to watch and you loved the game still do. Even though, I question your choice of teams to follow.

As time progressed, we drifted, I was a bit different in High School, and went a different way than most, I joined the army, and in your way, you supported that.

When my life imploded 3 years ago, you let it be, for awhile, until you felt the need to say something. Or I asked you.

I see you with your kids, and you are patient , kind and tender, everything I wish that I was. Your love for them shines through, as does your love for your wife. Big Brother, I still look at you as a role model for my life. You roll with the punches and move on in a way that I wish could.

When everything crashed around me a few months back, you rose to it, you stepped in where a few people would dare, and allowed me to lean when I needed, and kicked my into motion when I needed that too. You helped me and my family pick up the pieces and get our lives moving again, no words that I could say can convey my thanks.

Whenever I have needed you, you have been there, no worries, and no hassle.

Thank you M, for being the brother I need, And If I haven't said it enough I'll say it now.
Love you

Boy1

2010-09-17T03:55:00.000-07:00

I have put off writing this post for some time. As it has been difficult.
I have started, scrapped, restarted and rewrote this more times than I am willing to admit.

Boy1(or Son1) turned 16 almost a month ago. That can give you an Idea of how hard it has been for me to write this for him. enough procrastinating. I am just going to let it flow.

Son
You came into this world 16 years ago, I wasn't sure if I was ready to be a father. You didn't really give me a choice. You were beautiful, handsome and perfect. I still feel that way.
You and I do not always have the best relationship. I know that, and I am trying to fix what I think may be the cause. Don't worry, I am pretty sure it is me not you.
You are brilliant and in some ways wiser than your years. You march to the beat of your own drummer. What is trendy or in right at the moment does not really matter to you. If you like something than you do not care what other people think. Technology fascinates you, you are drawn to the world of computers like a moth to a flame. You are creative and talented, what I have seen you do and create still amazes me, that you seem to have skills far beyond others of your age.

You are loyal and the friends you have made you are true to.
While I know that this new life has not been easy for you, you seem to be coping , and slowly flourishing .

While your birth made me a father, the past 16 years with you (and your brothers)
have made me a Dad.

Happy belated birthday, may you have many more.

Old Friends

2010-07-07T12:00:00.001-07:00

Some time has gone by since I last saw one of my oldest friends, J. J. and I go back to middle school, some 30 years ago. I haven't seen him in 10 years. Even though I lived in the same city as him for the last year, I found the thought of connecting with him hard to take. don't ask me why just did that's all.

In a rare moment of clarity, i decided to call and visit
I meant it to be a quick catch up say hi, see how things went , and take it from there.

Right , seven hours flew by and it was time well spent.

The need to connect with someone other than family must have been stronger than i thought.

Much laughter was had. nostalgia kicked in, talk of old friends who I lost touch with. and some what painful reminders of life in grade 9. where the largest kid in our class thought nothing of stuffing me in the shop room garbage can on a somewhat regular basis. Ahhh........good times.

I wish I could tell you that I was innocent here, and merely a victim, but.... how much of a victim could you be if you antagonize the hell out of someone every chance you get?

I was a wee bit mouthy when i was younger.......wonder where the boys get it.

A quick funny part, maybe not so much, depends on your point of view, funny to me now, not so much then.

We were in math class, which was on the second floor of the school, right above our homeroom, and i was minding my own business ( no really, you gotta take my word for this). Our math teacher was a tad, oblivious, say and when her back was turned, the aforementioned garbage can stuffer, me being the stuffee after all, proceeded to launch, or rather slide my a** out the window. Good thing it was winter, and fresh snow helped.

Now imagine my surprise when our homeroom teacher, a less than stellar example of the profession, caught me on my way back in and proceeded to give me a weeks detention? Did I mention he was the shop teacher?, and that detention meant sweeping out the wood shop floor.

Imagine free child labour, could a teacher even do that these days??

Back to J. He and I were pretty thick for a while, he moved before high school, we kind of lost touch, and then reconnected in our early 20's lost touch when I moved, reconnected briefly, and then reconnected again last night.

as we sat there talking, I saw the old me, the one before all the drama of the past few years, glimmer briefly. While I know the old me may not come fully back, I do realize that the new me that will come out of this (hopefully like a Phoenix from the ashes) may be able to still have the best of the old me. Like software, the new me will probably be like me 2.0 (beta)

So to J. If you are going to read this, thanks for being there last night, and thanks for not quitting on me like I feared so many would do.

Old Friends

2010-07-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

Four Years

2010-07-05T14:06:00.000-07:00

Dad

Have four years really gone by since that day?
It somehow seems longer, but at the same time, shorter.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

I wish you were here to talk to, especially given my current situation. There are things I would want to ask you.

Your grandchildren are amazing, I hope that ou can see them and keep an eye on them. In spite of the chaos of the past year or so they are growing in to fine young men. You would be proud. They all miss you too, in their own ways. Boys are funny like that. when you least expect it something they remember about you comes out.

You were the father I needed when I needed him, does that even make sense? At times when I was growing up, somehow, you were right where I need you to be, saying or doing what I needed.

I was not an easy teenager, not a bad kid, no police trouble or drugs, but I know I was a right moody little S**t at times, and I lashed out at you when I proably shouldn't have. But you were still always there for me.

I have great memories of you with your grandchildren, pictures in my mind and in my heart that spin a tale better than my words can. you were a survivor.

As I got older, moved away, and had kids of my own, our relationship changed, you became something I needed again at times. I still haven't figured out what that is yet, but I think at times, I need it now.

Miss you Dad, Have a cold one for me today, I'll have one for you.

I wonder what the legality of this is?

2010-06-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

There are certain celebrities out there , that the mere mention of them gets under my skin.

Some of them are has-beens, one time "A" listers who have slipped off the radar, others are fringe celebrities, famous for something they may have done or been associated with. Others are wannabes, celebrities only because the media has made them that.

I just do not think that they deserve the attention that they get, or that even one more minute of the collective public's time, or television, or internet, or magazines, or whatever media you use should be given to them.

With this in mind, I have a solution. It's based on Survivor, with a twist.

Instead of voting each other off the island, the public gets to vote one of them off of the planet, every week, the last one standing, gets a second chance at fame and stardom, but the 1st time they become a public nuisance. they are relegated to an isolated island, with no Paparazzi to document their every move.

Whaddya think?

Here is my list for the first round.

Kate Gosselin. I think the public as a whole is fed up with her, don't feel bad for her, she helped create the situation she is in.

Lindsay Lohan, after all a good train wreck is hard to keep your eyes from.

Heidi and Spencer Montag. I mean why are they even celebrities?

Gordon Ramsay, Maybe he is a great chef, but I don't think he is as good as he thinks. And while Hell's Kitchen is entertaining, I can belittle and curse at people just as well as he can.

Sarah Palin. Just the right touch of attractive and crazy.
plus I think she has the skills to gut and skin another contestant if need be.

Any of Michael Jackson's brothers, or possibly his father. I don't think I need to elaborate on this.

Tiger Woods or Jesse James. Tiger, your professional life seems to be imploding as much as your personal life right now. Jesse, what were you thinking?

Eric Estrada.....enough said right there.

Joan Rivers only because she does not even look real anymore.

Jon Gosselin for 2 reasons 1) there would be some interesting drama between you and Kate, and 2) because you both deserve to be kicked off the planet for what you have put those kids through.

That's just the ones that come to mind right now, I am sure there are others.

Who would you want on the list?

Please Stop

2010-06-17T05:26:00.000-07:00

I am not the most fashion forward guy out there, I know this but, I have to say, I don't think my kids are too embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I do look like a J. crew, or Old Navy, or Abercrombie ad at times, but I like clothes that fit well and are comfortable.

That being said, there are a couple of things I would never wear.

Exhibit a Crocs

Unless you are a baby or smaller child on the beach, or gardening, leave these off or at home.

Fanny packs should never be worn, by anyone, period, ever, seriously If you are a guy, get a wallet, or carry a backpack, women, get a nice purse. Wearing a fanny pack makes it seem to me that you just don't care how you are perceived, plus, when you have to dig through it to find anything, it takes forever. Just don't.

Pajama pants should only be worn if you are a) going to bed, b) are in bed c) just got out of bed, or d) are lounging around the house.

They are not for wear in public, quit being lazy and get dressed.

I have told the boys that I will never wear these items out in public. If I do they may pretend I am not with them. If I wear them in any combination, they have options

1. Ignore me and tell people they are not my kids
2. Kill me where I stand ( I consider this to be justifiable homicide, you know, for the public good)
3. Commit me to some kind of institution for the fashion lazy.

A couple of other notes.
skinny jeans and leggings/ spandex pants are a right not a privilege, if it is difficult to get them on, then don't please don't.

Boys, pull up your pants, the ass of the pants belongs on your ass, not by your knees.

CARS

2010-04-27T06:11:00.000-07:00

No not the Disney flick

I'm talking about the real thing.

As Boy1 gets closer to driving age, I have begun thinking about trying to replace my car.

because it is one of these.

While it has been fairly reliable ( I'm Going to jinx myself). The last few months have seen about $900 put into it, and it is after all six years old.

Really, I want the boy to learn to drive something more solid, like I had too: like this:

Really, Dad thanks, I was a short arsed 16 year old and hated driving this thing and I'm pretty sure that it may have hated me too. In fact the first time I drove it I hit a concrete pole. Yay me.

The thing is I want him to feel safe as he learns, I did in that tank, hopefully he will too, but My little car is small, and low and I feel that he should learn to drive in a good sized, solid vehicle

Like this

Know where I can pick one up?

More music

2010-04-26T05:30:00.000-07:00

It's funny to me, sometimes, how some songs can grab you unexpectedly.

The other day a friend of mine sent me a link to this song.

It's called "Highway 20 ride"
By the Zac Brown Band

go ahead listen, enjoy

Here are the lyrics.

I ride east every other Friday
and if I had it my way
the day would not be wasted on this drive.
and I want so bad to hold you
son, there’s things I haven’t told you
your mom and me couldn’t get along

so I drive, and I think about my life
and wonder why, that I slowly die inside
every time I turn that truck around
right at the Georgia line
and I count the days
and the miles back home to you
on that highway 20 ride.

The day might come you’ll realize
That if you see thru my eyes
There was no other way to work it out
And a part of you might hate me
But son please don’t mistake me
For a man that didn't care at all

And drive, and I think about my life
And wonder why, that I slowly die inside
Every time i turn that truck around
right at the Georgia line
And I count the days
and the miles back home to you
On that highway 20 ride.

So when you drive,
and the years go flying by
I hope you smile,
if I ever cross your mind
It was the pleasure of my life
And I cherished everytime
And my whole world
it begins and ends with you
on that highway 20 ride

Whoa 20 ride
Whoa 20 ride
Highway 20 ride.
and I ride..
Whoa..

It just sums up my life right now

Depression.......

2010-04-07T08:15:00.000-07:00

It's a scary word. I'm not just talking about the generic "I'm feeling blah today" stuff. But the bigger stuff. The "I can't be bothered to care about anything, why should I even get out of bed, I feel like a huge weight is on my back, chest, shoulders etc, kind of stuff.

For me that's what it feels like, why bother, going anywhere, doing anything, seeing anyone. I could care less. At least 95% of the time that is how I feel.

When my world imploded, I felt it happening, bit by bit, I lost myself, sinking into the spiral of negative thoughts, emotions and actions. How can life be OK if I feel I lost all that mattered.

Try and tell people about these feelings and you get one of three reactions.( That I have noticed, anyway, feel free to add your own.)

1. Dead silence as the person you are talking to tries to figure out if you are kidding or not. this silence may be followed by a quick, unrelated change of subject (how about them Yankees?)

2. Unsolicited advice..."if you just went out to try and meet new people or do something it would be better". That's laughable, really, did you just not hear me say I could care less about that, and my motivation for that is so low it does not even register?

3. Empathy and understanding, small nods of the head, encouraging smiles, people who will tell you to hang on , they will help, it will get better, some people who will let you rant at the world, and realize, that it is after all just a rant and you need to vent. These people are gold.

In some ways I have been lucky, I have a great family, Mom, M, D, and S have been there with me riding the storm and throwing a lifeline when needed. I also have the luck of my nephew N, and his girlfriend E, who i live with and who save me from myself and are wise beyond their years sometimes. I also have the ladies I work with (no Names) who keep me grounded and help me to think. There are also friends, who instead of leaving, have risen and caught me when I needed it. Plus a lovely therapist M, who plays hardball with me and refuses to let me take the easy way out.

Then there are the boys, my sons, who, while I don't show it so well, have helped me find a little light at times, whose love I don't always feel I deserve, and I don't always show them the love and Joy I have for them, are still there, with crazy texts, weird phone conversations, and just plain random weirdness.

Boys know this, I love you with everything I have, I hold you in my thoughts daily. And even though your mother and I failed to stay together, I can sleep better at night knowing that 3 very awesome children are here because of us, and that is a good thing.

I'm not better yet, but I will be. If you are reading this, and you think you could be suffering, I urge you to seek help, until then I leave you with this.

it's a circle ...no really

2010-04-06T09:34:00.001-07:00

Music, me and the boys. I know that it's a fact that one generation never will like the other generations music choices, at least not at the moment. Later in life, when tastes change, or appreciation comes in, maybe but at the moment there are some musical choices my boys have that make me cringe.

They like Billy Talent, and while I can say I like some of it, most of it sounds the same to me.
My taste runs more to Keith Urban. They also like AC DC which I can relate to, because who doesn't? But there has to be some kind of common ground, right?

When we travel together, They insist on plugging their Ipods into the car audio system ( I say that because it sounds better than, cheap ass factory radio). But I cringe every time, Some of the music they listen to just irritates me, like Dragonforce, or Alexis on Fire.

Boy2 though has wider tastes than the others though, a check of his IPod will turn up things like the aforementioned artists as well as things like Ozzy, and a point we can both agree on, The Beatles. Also he likes him some Eminem, which I can relate to, I like Eminem as well.

Other choices not so much, like The Beastie Boys, I cannot listen to them at all, I don't dislike rap as evidenced by the Eminem comment, but my taste in rap runs a bit harder, like Tupac, or Snoop Dogg, even old Ice-T. But some of the newer stuff just leaves me cold, and some of the older stuff by some artists is too dark. The boys have yet to hear any Tupac when they are with me. I think they aren't ready yet.

It is a circle though, I remember having to sit through Johnny Cash, Hank snow, Hank Williams (Sr that is) and others of that era of country music, and I'm sure my boys will reminisce about having to listen to Keith Urban, the Dixie Chicks, Brooks and Dunn, and Darius Rucker when they are older. I'm just playing a time honored ritual out.

On another note, can the media stop talking/telling us about Kate Gosselin? Isn't her 15 minutes up yet? The woman is vain, shallow, and narcissistic. I am tired of seeing her on magazines, and TV. Enough already. Show she had 8 kids, so her husband cheated on her, so they are getting divorced, so they were on a reality show, so what. The cheating on her / divorce happens to people every day, and they are not considered news. Why is she? I could care less what happens to her, even less about what happens to her on Dancing with the stars, she's not a star, she's just a celebrity, made famous by having a TV show about her kids. Big deal. I think her fame should be merely a footnote in TV history.

A PSA FOR EASTER

2010-03-31T04:26:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post here.

I normally would not do this, but this is something I believe in strongly, not just about bunnies at Easter,but any pet at any time of year. Pets are family, not disposable items to throw away.

Check out this link make mine chocolate

and please think twice if you are planning a pet rabbit for Easter, bunnies are a lot of work.

The shelters are already overrun with them. and they are not for smaller kids, as if they are not held right they will squirm, and dopping a bunny(even by accident), can break its back.

just a thought about this.

Boy2

2010-03-24T06:36:00.000-07:00

You

You are the middle of three, the tall one, the funny one, whatever, people have many descriptions for you, but they never seem to cover who you really are.

You came into our lives 14 years ago, you were huge at over 11 lbs, and early, off the charts then, and off the charts now. At 14 you are taller then me already, when will it stop?

you are funny, witty, and sometimes just plain weird, but you are also the one that seems to have the greatest sense of wanting to know your family. You love skateboards, Bam Margera, Tony Hawk, and Shaun White, Ozzy, Billy Talent, and even the Beatles. Brew Barrymore and Mean Fox are in photos on your PSP. Can't say I blame ya for those 2.

You are also the one who seems to be having the hardest time with the whole separation/ divorce thing. You are angry, confused and frustrated. Wanting it to be finished, but scared to let the past go it seems, I know, I feel the same way too.

You are charming and charismatic, and seem to make friends everywhere you go, people love you.

You enjoy the spotlight, and richly deserve it, I believe that you are destined to be a star of some kind.

You have enriched my life, even if I don't get your strange humor at times. Thank you for being you.

Happy Birthday.

Boy3

2010-02-18T06:12:00.000-08:00

I meant to post this last week, but didn't
so here goes.

Boy3:

12 years ago, you came into my life.
Even before you were born we knew you, because of a your kidneys, we knew you. Your mom and I got to pick your birth date. The day we picked that, was the day we gave you your name.

There was anticipation and fear as that date drew closer, you were loved and wanted. when you were born, and at least for the time being all was OK, it was a good thing. I was so relieved.

Fast forward 10 months later and you were about to get surgery, but you were sick beforehand, sick enough for us to go quickly to one of the best hospitals in the world ( at least IMHO). and see if they could make you right. they could and the surgery went through as planned.

Christmas eve, and you were relapsed, then airlifted back to the same hospital. No room for your mom or I, a quick packing job, and we followed. Your Grandma with us. I don't know if I ever told her, but at a few times , she kept me sane, focused on what I needed to do. Thank you.

A few days later( 1 week) you were OK. Your mom and I knew that there was going to be some testing on a yearly basis, for at least a little while. Even though I don't think you cared for all the testing every year, you bore it well, and when they said that you were not going to need it for a few years, it was a great relief for all of us. Even still, when you are sick, sometimes my heart skips and I worry that it could happen all again. You see, I thought we were going to lose you, and I was sure that I would never be able to bear that.

Now you are 12, I love the way you approach life, even though your brothers may not. You smile so easily, and enjoy things to the fullest. Even though I am a part-time parent now, and only see you on weekends, know this. I love you, and that can never change. You are one of the reasons, I can keep going on regardless of how much I feel life can suck right now.

Don't change too much. The world needs people like you.

Happy Birthday.

Idiots in snow

2010-02-09T07:32:00.001-08:00

Well, Sunday saw me on my drive back home in a decent snowfall.

The 4 lane highway was down to really one lane in each direction, and 90% of the people who were on the road had lowered their speed considerably, you know, to adjust for the conditions.

the other 10% were just , plain, ignorant.

People, It's Sunday and snowing, unless you had a pressing need to get to whatever Superbowl Party you were attending, or it was a real emergency, then there is no real need to push your luck and the luck of others who share the road with you like this.

Truck drivers, you guys may be #1 on my list, when you pass people and you are so close to them, they could open their window and touch your rig, and then as you go by, the people in the car get the huge spray of crap from the road all over the window and can't see, you are creating a serious problem.

as for the other people who apparently have serious lives they have to get to, Plan accordingly. If the weather sucks, maybe you do not need to go anywhere, or if you do, plan ahead and give yourself more time. Going out into the snow covered passing lane and then cutting back in front of me when you are barely clear, makes me have to touch my brakes and skid a little, some of you self-centred d-bags are swerving everywhere. I swear I won't stop if you go in the ditch.
you deserve it.

Boys will be..........?

2010-02-03T05:39:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't told you much about the boys yet, I have been debating just what to say in case someone who knows me, them, us stumbles across this and puts 2 and 2 together(although given the town they live in, the answer would not be 4 )

Lets begin Son1 is almost to the point of being able to drive, 15 going on 30. There are times when he seems older than his years, there are also times when he seems to be 3 years old. He is the mood barometer in the house. If there is tension, he feels it and gets crustier and crustier. The boy is brilliant, and he is also the one I have the most explosive relationship with. Now I don't mean that in a physical sense. He is very set on what he likes and does not see the need to have a more well rounded set of interests. This drives me crazy, because I do not want to talk to him about the same stuff over and over and over and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry fell asleep there.

Son2 is the joker, the comedien in the family. I swear that this kid has been funny since he was born. He has a grat sense of humour, and has pretty decent timing in his delivery. He also is the most emotional of the lot of them. He wears his heart on his sleeve, and it is eaasy to tell when he has been wounded or slighted. He also has the greatest sense of family of the 3. However, his humor also tends to run to the more inappropriate side of things, and sometimes it is necessary to tell him to stop.

Son3 is the wild card. As i said in my last post, he choke slams the day into submission. he has a great zest for life and seems to be in constant motion, even when he sleeps it is an active rather than passive event. The boy is a tornado. The only problem is there are no trailer parks in the house, so he goes for the 2nd best targets , his brothers, Heaven help them if they do not keep one eye open for him. He is the absolute master of the sneak attack the Randy Orton of the house.

So there you have it the 3 boys who I would do aanything for. Hopefully I can pull some stories of them out of my memory for your enjoyment.

ARE YOU READY?

2010-01-28T05:44:00.001-08:00

Stealing a catchphrase from Degeneration X to start this off was easy.

not sure what i mean? Degeneration X are these guys.
Years ago, before marriage, kids, etc. I was a big fan of the WWF, now WWE.

Since moving in with N and E, I have begun watching again, and have begun a fan once more.
As interesting as it is to see the new stars, it is also cool too see the stars of the past , Shawn Micheals, Triple H, etc, still out there performing for the fans.

On the same note, N recently purchased Smackdown vs Raw for the Wii.
Arguably Best Game Yet. Waaay too much time has been wasted on this game by all of us.
the graphics are decent, there are multiple game modes you can play, storylines to create or follow. Highly addictive.

I guess wrestling has always been a guilty pleasure of mine growing up, one of our neighbours was for a brief time No-class Bobby Bass . He was nothing like his on-screen persona, he was a decent guy, and for a kid it was great to see the wrestlers I saw on TV, and a few times live, in my nieghbourhood.

Times are different now, I think Boy1's hero could be Steve Jobs the creator of Apple. Chances of him meeting him living where the boys do are slim. Son2 is a Tony Hawk, Bam Margera, Shaun White fan. I look forward to the olympics on tv to hopefully watch it with him and see Shaun White work his own particular brand of magic.

Son3 is a hockey fan, while I don't really think that he has any one player he Idolizes, He loves the Ottawa Senators, since he was old enough to follow them. He does however like Sidney Crosby, can't say I blame him, Crosby has enough talent for 2 people. I am a Boston Bruins fan, been so since I was a kid, blame Bobby Orr. Crosby, however can sway me, he is at times simply the most fun player to watch on the ice, and the way he carries himself off the ice is equally impressive.

Me? I have become a fan 0f a particular player #9 on the Warriors, also known as Boy3 or Son3.
He is not the greatest out there, but he plays hard, makes an honest effort evry game, and plays for the fun of it. a few weeks back he was picked as the most sportsmanlike player on his team for a tournament game, and I think that was just as important as MVP to him.

I love they way all 3 of them show their passion for what they love. Boy1 has an atitude of just not caring what others think about him, or what he likes. In some ways this annoys me, as I wish he could conform once in awhile, but at the same time, I amproud that he is his own person.
Boy2 is a tad more trendy, but not in a sheeplike kind of way, he is easily the goofiest kid I have ever met, He has an amazing sense of comic timing, and a great outlook on life. Boy3 is well, him. He is more everything than his brothers, louder, talkative, demanding, loving (AT Times). He approaches life with such energy that he doesn't just seize the day, he grabs it and choke-slams it

I wish I could do that

Maybe I'll have to learn.

And I'm Back

2010-01-22T05:23:00.000-08:00

For the few of you who follow this, you may have noticed my absence.

It has been some time since I wrote anything, just trying to survive you know.
Time has been marching on at such a slow pace for me that it feels like i am moving in reverse.

LIfe just does that sometimes.
the boys are not always coping well with the way things are, but, I have hopes that they will survive, even if it feels that I won't

I'll post something upbeat soon, i promise

Vegans, Vegetarians, whatever

2009-11-20T06:11:00.000-08:00

I just read a few different blog entries on different sites about this subject, and I'm probably going to get a few people offended by this post , but whatever, here goes.

I fully respect a person's choice, or religious beliefs for being vegan, or vegetarian, in fact I recently defended a colleague of mine's beliefs in his struggle to maintain his beliefs.
If a person makes that choice then so be it, I am never going to make that choice ( Leave my bacon alone!), but i fully respect a person's right to make that choice for themselves.

That being said, Leave Me Alone. I don't care to hear your preachy, self-righteous, patronizing and narrow-minded views on the subject. You are no better than me just because you are vegan.
You are not special because of this, nor are you unique either. You made a choice, so did I.
If I want to eat a burger, steak, or a chicken, than I will, and no amount of comments about factory farming, cruelty or suffering is going to sway me.

No comments on the state of my food either. I once worked with someone who commented on my breakfast, as Pig strips and embryos. Whatever, it is Bacon and eggs, and they are not embryos, as they were never fertilized, bite me, oh that's right you won't I'm meat. I don't comment on the fact that your food, is what my food eats.

They would have a better chance if they stopped with the whole meat is murder thing, getting preachy with me only makes me more resolved to stay the same.

I'm done now, and I'm thinking about having a burger.

Boys will be.....?

2009-11-18T18:54:00.000-08:00

Boy2 is growing up too quickly.. He is 13 and I am sure I didn't know as much about "things" at 13 that he does.( or I just knew better than to discuss it around my dad)

A few cases to illustrate my point

Point #1 earlier this past summer, he decided to tell me how Harry Potter is dirty, when I asked him how, it all centered on the character of Oliver Wood (see where this one is going yet?)
and how when professor McGonagall asks if she can "borrow Wood for a minute", and the use of the phrase "morning Wood" Cue the ensuing 13 year old boy laughter.

Point #2 Near the end of the summer , we were out at a discount store with my Mom, and he came up to Mom and I with a box of condoms, in an attempt to freak his Grandmother out. Not. gonna. happen. Mom was a nurse for 42 years. not even blinking, mom said" at least you are using protection". this ended with a stunned look on boy2's face. Love the kid's sense of humor.

Point #3 The other night we were watching Private Practice and the storyline was about a young man with a Viagra problem. Boy2 thought the idea of a never ending erection was cool, until Grandma and I explained about how they fixed the problem. With needles, and deflation.
Cue look of pain and disgust.

More than that, though is the fact that he is way more aware of the whole sexual nature of people than I know I was at his age, he regularly accuses me of downloading and watching Porn, and makes comments of this nature to me. plus his favorite line from the 70's Show is"if God had wanted 2 virgins to lose it together, he wouldn't have given us middle aged Hookers." Go Figure.

What can you do with a kid like this?

Laugh a lot, and love him even more.

You're .........Pitiful?

2009-09-03T09:27:00.000-07:00

As I was lounging around last night, flipping through channels in an attempt not to go crazy in the silence. my phone rang. At the other end was Boy2, he was excited, has he had got a new bed and was just beginning to put it together. He had complete faith in the fact that he would be able to do this and he was just calling to tell me that he had got the bed. after a brief conversation about nothing, we said goodbye. I thought nothing more of this, as he is generally capable of doing things like this.

Jump forward 3 hours, and he is on the phone again, the tears and frustration were clearly evident in his voice, there were no written instructions only pictures, and he could not get the bed together right, his knuckles were cut up, and he was ready to chuck the whole thing out. Once he was calmed down, I convinced him that he had 2 good options, forget about it for the night, sleep in his old bed and try again in the morning, or wait until I was there this weekend and we would build it together.

Surprisingly, he chose neither. the phone rang again about an hour later, and he told me it was together, and that he had gotten his Mom to help him. Also, it appears that he had missed a small warning about not tightening it all up till all the bolts were in place.

For a change, i resisted telling him that he needs to check for those things before he starts to build these things.

His good humour restored, I said good night and hung up. About 20 minutes later he called back. this time to tell me that he had heard a song , and had thought of me. He was playing it for me over the phone. Weird Al's "you're pitiful".

I would never have had the nerve at 13 to do that to my Dad, I would have been petrified of his getting angry at me.

I wish I had Boy2's nerve,...............and his sense of humour.

Shopping fun!

2009-08-31T05:54:00.000-07:00

Whoever thought that back to school shopping could ever be fun has never done this with boys, or at least with mine.

3 stubborn boys and a Dad in the stores shopping for clothes of any kind let alone for back to school = nightmars of the highest order.

Boy3(youngest 11 years old) not sure what he wants won't try things on sure it will "FIT" finally gets a decent fitting pair of jeans and a shirt that he deems cool enough, and yes, he tried them on, damn straight, i try thhings on, so i know they fit.

Boy2(middle 13 going on 20) trying to convince me that they jeans he needs only have to be 30 inch inseams, he is as tall as me and I know he needs them to be longer, but again he won't try them on, as the fitting rooms are too close to the women's clothes. finally, a different store same style jeans,(longer inseam) tried on fits, done..

Boy1(oldest 15, going on 40) tries on aprroxamately 2,000,000 hoodies, before finding the right one, but at least he tried them on right?.

and the school supplies, why do they put odd numbers of things on the lists, and why specific name brand items, a staples brand highlighter is just as good as a Sharpie brand one, and costs about 50% less. and why all the Kleenex for the lower grades, do we have to supply all the kids in a class with stuff? If some parents are to lazy/ cheap to do this , why should I pay to support their kid?? Boy3 is the only one with piles of stuff on his list like this, it's like they give you the list for the whole year. I don't think that it should all have to go with them on day one. Boy3 says that in the past, some of his teachers have put all the extra stuff in a cabinet, and passed it out to kids who needed it during the year, not really noticing whose it was originally. What? I paid for stuff for my kid, not someone else's, if they need something, let their parents buy it , not me. so, he will only be going on the first day with the basics, as he needs something else, he will get it sent with him, with His name on it.

I hate back to school shopping. Their has to be an easier way.

Dad

2009-08-27T08:06:00.000-07:00

When ever I think about my dad, 2 dates always come to mind, July 5th, and August 28th.

July 5th is the date of his death, I can recall with absolute clarity where I was, what time it was, and how I felt at that moment. In the kitchen, 6:30 am, sadness, loss and a small sense of relief that Dad was no longer suffering, and that his long ordeal that really started in 1989 was finally over.
You see, Dad was a cancer survivor, in 1989, he was diagnosed with bowel cancer, had surgery to remove it, no recurrence, no chemo etc, and stayed that way until 2001, when it came back.

2001, surgery, chemo (painful chemo, new drugs, worse than the cancer, he said) months later, back in remission, doing better, travelling, and skiing again.

2006, March, dreaded phone call, middle of the night, in hospital, a decision was made by all of us for a DNR order. weeks later Dad home doing OK, not great, but OK.

May/June, see dad, not great, getting ready for us to move back closer to home in a few weeks say see you soon to Dad, he replies with a goodbye.

July 5th, 2006 Dad gone a long fight over, drive to work to arrange time off, Paul Brandt's "Home" comes on radio, lose my shit the reality sinks in.

August 28th is Dad's Birthday he would have been 78. I still miss you dad, and so do the boys, you loved them and it showed, they loved you too, and I hope you are still watching as they grow into 3 young men that you could be proud of.

1st

2009-08-27T05:38:00.000-07:00

Hey anyone, I'm just starting this, so I have no idea what this will be about.

mostly me and my challange of being a divorced dad to 3 boys who live in a different city and the adventure(ha) of trying to stay involved with thier lives as we go on, apart.

Last weekend was the first weekend with them. At least my ex is sane, she was willing to meet me at my mom's which is part way between us so neither one of us has too far too drive.

The boys and I had a decent time, waterslidess, beaches, go karts, I hope they don't think every weekend is going to be like this, I'll be in debt even further.

More posts will be coming soon, and hopefully will be funnier.